And Now For Something Completely Different . . . Self-Pity!

[lawnrrd]

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I feel the most lonely, it's always in a room full of people.

Last night, I went to a night called Kitsch Inn at a local club called True. Kitsch Inn is sort of gothy, with some queercore mixed in. It's an interesting crowd, and I really like the music.

But I went by myself. See, I don't know anyone else who likes to go to clubs, and certainly not to this kind of night. Most of my peers are married (as am I), but they're settled down, having kids, and generally accepting living death. And I work at home for a company full of Mormons, so I'm not going to meet people at the office. So my choices are to go by myself, or not to go at all.

For so much of my life, though, it's seemed like the choice I've faced. It's certainly been my own fault, for being generally passive and for not seeking out people who I had things in common with and for not working to maintain friendships. But at the time, it always feels like it's caused by circumstances out of my control.

So anyway, I went last night, and, as usual, got this tremendous feeling of being on the outside, looking in, and desperately wanting to get inside. I watched the band for a while, but they finished their show and the DJ started playing Blondie, and Siouxsie and the Banshees, and stuff like that, which I really like. I was sitting at the bar watching this girl dance; she was absolutely stunning, a little gothy looking with some impressive tattoos, wearing a skimpy black dress that looked like latex or vinyl, and she was a very good dancer, too.

Watching this girl dance, I really felt that I had missed my opportunity for this sort of thing. That I had squandered something precious and irreplaceable, and something even worse--that ten years from now I'd feel the same way about this time in my life. And there were a couple of fat middle-aged guys there, too, wearing ugly sport coats and fat ties, or polo shirts that did nothing to conceal their bulging stomachs. I saw too much of them in myself. I wanted to cry. Instead, I just left and got something to eat.

I just feel that I'm on the wrong path, and that I've been on it for a long time, but I don't know where the right one is, or what it looks like.

A few last thoughts:

• The night wasn't all bad. I really liked the band, All the Pretty Horses. My ego got a boost when this guy started seriously checking me out. And when I left the club, I went to a 24-hour French bistro called L'Express, where I had a really good dinner at 2 AM.


• If you like to go clubbing, and you're going to be in the New York area, get in touch with me. Maybe we can go together.


• As I said, I don't know where the right path for me is, but I'm pretty sure it does not run through southern New Jersey. Nonetheless, I'm about to leave to spend the weekend there with my wife and some of her friends. Be back Monday.

Comments

What's wrong with fat middle aged guys?

[wishiwas.livejournal.com]

(Wandered across your entry through a friend's page, if you're wondering) Wow, that all sounded really familiar, like it could have been about me, just the details changed (punk and Irish girls and music instead of goths). I remember getting so sad during this one Kilt/Enter the Haggis double bill when this Bettie Page-looking girl walked by, knowing I'd never be a part of her world. I was lucky--I walked into a Saw Doctors show this past St. Pat's and found a girl and just started making out with her. It was that epiphany of an experience that made me feel like I was 'inside' for once (and in my case, for all time, whatever would happen after that). I guess the only advice I can offer is that you should get a clear picture in your head of what would have to happen for you to really feel 'inside' so you'll be ready for it when it happens/to reach for it when it presents itself. Yeah, because now that I think about it, there was an opportunity for me in a parked car outside of an Irish pub about four year ago, but I hadn't visualized the situation beforehand, so I let the moment pass me by. Oh, and no one's right path runs through South Jersey, trust me.

Re: What's wrong with fat middle aged guys?

[lawnrrd]

Yes, I often ramble from post to post, user to user. It's a wonderful way to avoid working.

Part of the problem/frustration for me, at least, is that I feel I missed out on a time in my life, not just some opportunity with some girl in some club. I feel as though I cheated myself out of my own youth. Now, I'm married and thirty-something. My wife's friends have all started breeding, and before too long, my wife is going to demand that we do, too.

I love this woman more than I can possibly tell you. But this doesn't feel like the life I wanted. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like my life, if that makes sense. And so much of my pain comes from my inability to see a way to have both.

Re: What's wrong with fat middle aged guys?

[wishiwas.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know, different club each time, different girl, but the same feeling. There are a number of subcultures that I felt like I was meant for, that my music is from, that I share political goals with, that seem to contain the type of people (especially the sort of girls) with the kinds of personalities and experiences I'd like to surround myself with, yet becasue of the lifestyle I chose/was born into I have no access to those worlds, even if they are standing right next to me in the same bar with the same band playing and we drink the same stuff while pre-gaming and were listining to the same music, like I'm in a different dimension, or something, able to co-exist in the same space at the same time yet move past each other without any kind of meaningful interaction. Like I said, I got lucky, I got a single experience that was more than I could ever have hoped for (well, it was exactly what I hoped for, that's why it was so powerful; and that kind of sated me. Not that it is in any way equal to the life that I could have had, but it was enough to make me feel I had, however breifly, lived the life I wanted to). Maybe even if you can't have both lives, you can find a way to get what you need (even if it is only a fraction of what you see other people experiencing) out of the one, while retaining the other.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

You know, Soren and I have been thinking about getting back into clubbing (I used to go to Mother a fair amount: Click&Drag, Long Black Veil, Jackie 60; and went to Kitsch Inn a few times, enjoyed it a lot, and fell out somehow).

Let's check the calendar, and perhaps do something at the end of the month?

[lawnrrd]

I would really like that. Let's try to set something up.