Yes, Meme. Meme, Meme, Meme.

[lawnrrd]

A few days ago, rm did the shower meme. I asked her to interview me, and here are my overdue answers. If you want me to interview you, leave a comment.

1. What specific perceptions are you afraid others have of you?

• That I'm an irredeemable fuck-up.
• That I have nothing interesting to offer.
• That I'm a blustery braggart, or the other side of the same thing, which is that I'm a whiny, insecure neurotic.

2. Do you believe that you're trying too hard or not enough? Why?

Both, sometimes. I think when I get into something new and interesting, I become monomaniacal and spend altogether too much time and mental energy on it. But when I reach my first real obstacles, I don’t persevere. Too often, I give up.

I'm not certain why. I think I'm so desperate to be passionate about something that when I find a candidate I invest everything in it, and I'm driven by adrenaline and excitement. But that ultimately wears off, and I have to face the disadvantages of wanting something: that I might not be good enough to achieve it, or that I allow myself to be hurt by losing it. Dostoevsky once wrote that there's something in us that loves a wall, and I think that it's because you can use a wall to rationalize not going any further. I've only recently figured that out, and also that it's a coward's way out.

I also try too hard to be what I think other people want and not hard enough to be and to get what I want. That probably just comes from a primal fear that I'm not good enough for people, so they won't be interested in who I really am. Except I've invested so much time and energy in this that often I don't know who I really am. I like to blame my mother for this, especially since she's no longer around to defend herself.

Finally, I'm just dissatisfied with myself and my life. I think I get obsessed with that and I try too hard to be and to do something else. And not that it's wrong to change, but it's a problem when it makes me push too hard and to forget to enjoy the good things I do have.

3. Eliminating the fear of consequences for a moment, what do you want, do you really really want? (/spicegirls-off)

• I want to learn how not to be ruled by fear.
• I want to learn how to be close to people and to enjoy it more.
• I want to build something: a law practice, a business, a reputation. I want to build a fortune in the process.
• I want to be one of the names who shape New York City, who make it what it is.
• I want my sex life in reality to resemble the one in my head in some way, shape, or form. Once that happens, either I get disillusioned about it, and I stop wanting it, or I'm happier because it really is what I want. Either way, I lose my obsession with the lack of it.

4. Does the creative work of others inspire you to action? If so, what and how, and if not, why?

Yes, it does, books especially. It's not necessarily anything specific, although The Fountainhead is reliable for this. The important part is that a book reminds me of what is possible to be, to do, and to have and re-inspires me to move in the direction I want. Movies and plays can do this too. Architecture, especially skyscrapers (and very especially the Twin Towers) can also remind me of the beauty and achievement possible to human beings.

The existence of creative works is also an inspiration, but also sometimes a rebuke. The inspirational version is "Look at what Mozart did in his short life; you still have plenty of time and opportunity to create something." The other one is, "By the time Mozart was your age, he was dead. What's your excuse?"

5. You get to be anyone you know for a week -- who and why?

This is tough. I've spent so much of my life trying to be someone else that it's still a fight just to be myself. Thinking about who else I might want to be seems a distraction from that.

Still, that's a cop-out, so I'll say John Bender. I actually have had no contact with him for about 12 years, so I don't know what's become of him. But he was smart, confident and good-looking. He was confident and successful with women, and had made a small fortune as an options trader by his early twenties. He was also well-traveled, a black belt, and an expert go player.

Comments

[cloeigrrl.livejournal.com]

me

[lawnrrd]

1. What, if anything, do you want NakkidNerds to be two years from now?

2. Does anything in particular make you feel lonely? If so, what is it, and what do you do about it?

3. What do you like best about living in Los Angeles?

4. What do you want to be known for, and why? If it's NakkidNerds, is there anything else that you want to be known for?

5. What's the most fun you've ever had?

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Questions, please.

[lawnrrd]

1. What about movies as a form of art and entertainment makes them appeal to you so much?

2. Who are your favorite actors (living or dead), and why?

3. What do you most want to achieve in the near future?

4. What, if anything, have you learned from being on LiveJournal?

5. What, if anything, do you do for fun that might surprise people who don't know you very well?

Interview meme

[wishiwas.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this is a good one. If you have time.

[xrew.livejournal.com]

to quote sadira quoting Ghandi (at least I think it was her).

"You Must Be the Change You Wish to See in the World"

Easier said than done, but at least it's a good starting point.