You're right, of course. In my case it's probably a defense mechanism. But I spent so long defining myself by what I'm not that forgot to figure out what I am. That's been one of my projects for the past few years--I hope the details in my LJ haven't been needlessly boring or self-indulgent.
A journal is self-indulgent. Whether needlessly so, or whether that's a bad thing is really entirely dependent upon whether you're trying to entertain people here and what you think people should generally be entertained by.
And sorry for the deleted comment -- I was just fixing a typo that particularly irritated me.
I'm not trying to be entertaining--at least, not all the time. On the other hand, one main reason I'm keeping an LJ, I think, is to stop hiding. And that doesn't work if no one's looking.
All of this comes back to my ancient fears and neuroses, which have come up here before. I've gotten tired of living half of a life, so I fight not to let fear stop me. But the fear is still there, so for various reasons I worry about whether my LJ is worth reading.
You are more normal than you think you are. Everyone wants to be interesting. And lots of people want to ghettoize themselves either as a defense mechanism or just so they have a clear position to come up at the world from. The fact is, we're all pretty fucking twisted.
From what I've read in your journal, you seem like many people in mainstream society. I don't know if that means you're normal or not, but I do think it's good to come out of hiding and be open. LJ is a great tool for that and I'm glad to see that you're utilizing it. For me, LJ is kinda like working out, you have to push yourself just a little bit further as time goes on and feel the burn in order to gain (or maintain) strength and stamina for this thing called life. Here's to overcoming fear! Keep at it!
You know, I've spent so much of my life feeling like an outside, yet trying to fit in, that at any given moment I might feel that I do fit in, or that I don't, or both, or neither. Then I feel that I need a drink.
Eveyone I know, whether they live life in the mainstream or are hangin' on the fringes, feels like an outsider and many of them try to fit into their surroundings. I, too, feel not quite in step with others, but I have pretty much gotten over the trying to fit in. Trying to fit in is what caused me most of my depressive feelings. I'm very comfortable with myself now and I really don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't know how this all came about considering I used to be quite a shy and nervous creature, though I do believe moving away from my small and narrow-minded hometown helped immensely. The thing I love about living in a big city is that I'm anonymous. Of course, the thing I don't like about living in a big city is that I'm anonymous, but I'm slowly working on balancing that out. You will, too, I'm sure.
I think, I think there's a difference between appearing normal, and acting normal. I wonder if she said that because although the things that make you 'you' aren't 'normal' in society, you want to live in a society where they are. They seem like they should be normal, and you'd rather that they were. Other people thrive on their strange behaviour setting them apart--not that they don't enjoy the acts or thoughts or feeling for their own sake, just that they like that it sets them apart, they agree with society that what they are doing is 'strange' and they like it that way. And I think some people cultivate a faux-abnormality because although they're pretty vanilla, they like the excitment, the taboo, the whatever that comes from being considered strange, even if they are not. And of coure there's people who are normal and act normal.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2003-05-06 01:39 pm (UTC)Normal?
You're friends with me.... you can't possibly be normal!
Doesn't she know anything?
*blush*giggle*
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Date: 2003-05-07 06:36 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-05-07 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-06 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-06 02:24 pm (UTC)And sorry for the deleted comment -- I was just fixing a typo that particularly irritated me.
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Date: 2003-05-06 04:13 pm (UTC)All of this comes back to my ancient fears and neuroses, which have come up here before. I've gotten tired of living half of a life, so I fight not to let fear stop me. But the fear is still there, so for various reasons I worry about whether my LJ is worth reading.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-06 01:55 pm (UTC)Everyone wants to be interesting.
And lots of people want to ghettoize themselves either as a defense mechanism or just so they have a clear position to come up at the world from.
The fact is, we're all pretty fucking twisted.
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Date: 2003-05-06 02:07 pm (UTC)By the way, I hope you're feeling better.
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Date: 2003-05-06 01:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-06 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2003-05-06 06:05 pm (UTC)You know, I've spent so much of my life feeling like an outside, yet trying to fit in, that at any given moment I might feel that I do fit in, or that I don't, or both, or neither. Then I feel that I need a drink.
no subject
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Date: 2003-05-06 06:57 pm (UTC)but you are normal *smiles* in that good not so much way though :)
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By the way, am I going to see you while you're in town?
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Date: 2003-05-06 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-06 11:16 pm (UTC)