Something

I haven't updated in a few days because I'm in an odd mood in which I need to write either everything or nothing, and I don't have time to write everything. But I want to write, so I'm telling my mood to take a hike.
( Neither nothing nor everything. )

Friendship

When I was sick a few weeks ago, many of you worried about me, expressed concern about me, and offered me your support and good wishes. I meant a lot to me then, and it still does. But it also made me really nervous.

I've never really been good at making and keeping friends. There's no one from elementary, middle, or high school—or any other part of my childhood, for that matter— whom I ever talk with. Every couple of years something will come up so that I speak to someone I went to college or law school with, but that's not much of a relationship. I still have some friends and contacts from grad school at NYU, but that's a little different, since I met them after I started trying not to be a hermit.

This is not to point out how much of a loner or nerd I am, to solicit your sympathy, or even to suggest that you all chip in and buy me a black trenchcoat for my birthday (you have 37 days left, though, just in case you're thinking about it). One of my big problems is that I am still far too afraid to hurt or disappoint people emotionally. And many of my newer friendships are starting to scare me, because I'm not sure I measure up. Or rather, I know I'm up to the job, I just can't make myself believe it.

To my friends who read this, I'm glad you're in my life. If I'm weird or awkward sometimes, it's because too much of this is new to me, and I feel weird and awkward. With a lot of hard work, though, I feel I'm on my way to becoming a real live boy.