Friendship

[lawnrrd]

When I was sick a few weeks ago, many of you worried about me, expressed concern about me, and offered me your support and good wishes. I meant a lot to me then, and it still does. But it also made me really nervous.

I've never really been good at making and keeping friends. There's no one from elementary, middle, or high school—or any other part of my childhood, for that matter— whom I ever talk with. Every couple of years something will come up so that I speak to someone I went to college or law school with, but that's not much of a relationship. I still have some friends and contacts from grad school at NYU, but that's a little different, since I met them after I started trying not to be a hermit.

This is not to point out how much of a loner or nerd I am, to solicit your sympathy, or even to suggest that you all chip in and buy me a black trenchcoat for my birthday (you have 37 days left, though, just in case you're thinking about it). One of my big problems is that I am still far too afraid to hurt or disappoint people emotionally. And many of my newer friendships are starting to scare me, because I'm not sure I measure up. Or rather, I know I'm up to the job, I just can't make myself believe it.

To my friends who read this, I'm glad you're in my life. If I'm weird or awkward sometimes, it's because too much of this is new to me, and I feel weird and awkward. With a lot of hard work, though, I feel I'm on my way to becoming a real live boy.

Comments

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Just remember two things:

1) While I don't know much about your background, we've talked about it once or twice- there's simply no comparison between that person and this one. You are changing, and growing, however it may feel from the inside.

2) Having a black trenchcoat doesn't necessarily mean you're a friendless loner- and the fact that I've switched to a heavier winter coat is attributable to the weather, nothing more.o

[lawnrrd]

Well, yes, I am changing, and that's good. But it's hard and maddeningly slow and involves dealing with shit like this.

Sorry I didn't notice...

[chinaski.livejournal.com]

:(

Ok, hi. Because you're somewhat new to my list I still don't recall that little snippet of info that one has in mind when reading posts to the friendslist. It's a lot easier when you've got that banal info to go with. Now, I've checked and I see that you're a former lawyer (I was almost a lawyer, and an employee of the law industry) so that will really help.

I sort of posted about what you're talking about... I am trying not to be a hermit myself. But you know, I never realized how much effort it takes. And since I was fine before, it's sometimes hard to find the motivation to stick with that resolve. I think I will find a good medium... I do not need or want many friends, thus I can afford to be selective and choose a few rewarding relationships.

(hopefully)

Are you an only child too? The person I've known longest (other than my small family) I met when I was 17.

Ok, I get the distinct feeling that I've introduced myself to you at least one time before...? But, clearly, I'm a bit forgetful when it comes to this thing. You seem like a pretty good person though and I don't know who picked whom but I'm glad you ended up on my friendslist.

S'alright

[lawnrrd]

I think I picked you up through kingchiron. However it happened, though, I'm glad too.

I am not an only child: I have a brother who is two years younger than I am. Growing up, I really disliked him, but he's now the family with whom I have the closest relationship, albeit he's suing the rest of our family. In general, my feelings about my family are complicated, but the details are a story for another time.

Giving up my emotional isolation—or at least dialing it down some—has been hard work and it still is. It means dropping 30+ years of deeply ingrained habits and learning new ones. But it's happening.

[cheshire8431.livejournal.com]

its cool bud...its very hard for me to dislike anyone. And you didnt give me any reason to down in atlanta. So with that said, get over this, have fun, and i'll see ya at the next Fantasm 8-)

[lawnrrd]

I'll get over it eventually. There's just some hard work involved in getting a life.

[tacologic.livejournal.com]

Well, I haven't known you for a super long time, but I enjoy your company. It was nice to be able to have you at my party. I'd say t turned out pretty well, and I think most everybody had a good time.

And some day in the distant future we'll play volleyball too.

[lawnrrd]

I'm glad I came, although I'm sorry we didn't talk much. And my volleyball team's doing well; maybe it's a bandwagon you'd care to jump on for a little while.

[tacologic.livejournal.com]

Well, as you mentioned in another post, it wasn't really the best opportunity to talk a lot. More conversation happened at dinner, but I'm not really upset with the outcome of it all.

I was actually thinking about volleyball yesterday evening, as a guy on my train was setting a ball to himself... I'm still very split on it. On one hand I love volleyball and with hockey about over, it'd be nice to have a sport to play. On the other, my distaste with volleyball people (not that you and your team are volleyball people, but sometimes my brain works in funny ways) is very high and I realized my back has been feeling better since I've stopped playing.

The next season starts mid-January I think, and by then I'm pretty sure that I'll be wanting to play. What are the chances of moving up a division or two, due to your current success?

[lawnrrd]

I think it depends on how we do in the playoffs. If we do well enough, division 4 is a possibility. One problem with moving up is that we're not very tall: it seems we can make up for that in division 5, but maybe that doesn't work in division 4.

[tacologic.livejournal.com]

I think you might be overrating height, especially in division 4-5. I've reffed some of those games, and it almost always comes down to fundamentals. The team that passes, sets and serves with the least amount of unforced errors almost always wins. Plus, if I join the team, I help a lot with the height.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

1) What size coat do you take?

2) I'll tell you a secret -- I don't always believe that I measure up, either. I'll help you fake it if you'll help me.

3) Does it help if I point out that many friendships in school are situational/logistical friendships? You share the same schedules, the same neighborhood, you hang out together. And when you stop living in that neighborhood/taking those classes together, the relationship fades. What you may well be getting now, particularly through LiveJournal, where we talk more than see each other, are friendships where it's an active choice to spend time with you, and we think you're worth spending time with.

[lawnrrd]

1) 42 regular, last time I checked.

2) Deal.

3) I'm glad you think I'm worth spending time with. I enjoy my time with you. If you can keep a secret, I think I'm worth spending time with, too.

The issue is that I've never before been able to build strong, close, lasting friendships. And while I'm never going to be like my wife—who is best friends with everyone she's ever met—I want my life to include being close to a few people.

But that kind of closeness includes mutual vulnerability. And yes, sure, I have problems making myself vulnerable. The real problem, though, is that I feel burdened when other people make themselves vulnerable to me. In part that's because of an irrational, lifelong terror I've had about hurting people in that situation. (I mean, no, it's not good to hurt people who are vulnerable to you, but shit happens sometimes—I need to accept that and move on.) That's all changing, but it's a slog, and it means facing and defeating these fears.

[starkyld.livejournal.com]

weirdness and awkwardness come with the territory. entirely understandable...and i'm sure that we can all be a bit weird & awkward ourselves on occasion.

so, birthday impending, yesssss...will there be festivities?

and i should definitely see you sometime before too much longer, whenever you can squeeze off sufficient time from work to squinch me in and aren't flitting about the country. i'd suggest that we go have a drink...but i'm not allowed to drink. or maybe go to cones...but i can't have ice cream either. coffee's likewise out. hrm. we could have some crackers?

[lawnrrd]

Are you allowed to have sushi?