lawnrrd: (kitty)
I was thinking today about something that happened when I was a boy, maybe around 11 years old.

My elementary school was across town from where I lived. Driving directly between my house and school took about half an hour, but I normally took a yellow school bus.

I don't remember why I didn't take the bus that morning, and I don't remember where my brother was, either. I do remember that I was traveling unaccompanied to school. I think I was supposed to take a cab, and I suppose that an adult would have called it for me.

But that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to take the commuter train that stopped behind my apartment building. I'm pretty sure that I had done it before, and I very much wanted to take it then. My mother insisted that I was not doing that, though, and that I was going to take the cab when it got there.

When the time came, I went downstairs, and I took the train.

I actually had to take the train to one station, walk a short way to another station, and then catch another train. It took longer than the cab would have.

When I got to school, the grown-ups were angry in that relieved way that I only really understand now that I'm a parent, too. They sat me down on a sofa in the school office and demanded to know why I had disobeyed and done something so foolish.

I couldn't tell them. I didn't know. So all that I did was sob uncontrollably on the sofa in the office, saying something about "the pressure", over and over.

I don't know why I did it. I don't know what "the pressure" was, either. I wish that I did, though: it was probably important.
lawnrrd: (Default)
I just finished reading the Bible. I mean, I read the whole thing for the first time, cover to cover, from "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." to "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen."

I wanted to read it, to have it as context. I wanted to see where the cultural traces came from—the art, the philosophy, the history. Besides that, I am an American, and most Americans are Christians. A significant portion of them take the Bible very literally. I wanted to see where they were coming from.

And you know, I don't have too much to say about it. I was, and remain, an atheist. I boggled at parts of it and continue to do so, including, for example, the genocide of the Canaanites, including women, children, and domestic animals. Both God's endorsements of casual rape in the Old Testament and Saint Paul's exhortations to celibacy in the New Testament are stunning in their own ways.

In hindsight, I'd probably have had more to say if I had posted as I worked my way thorough it over the past few months. But I didn't, so I don't. At least now I can move to the next item on my to-read queue, as soon as I decide what it is.
lawnrrd: (Default)

Life can be really full of magic when you remember to get the fuck out of the way and let it happen.

lawnrrd: (Default)
I seem to be coming down with a cold. As usual, I am unduly grumpy about it, but it reassures me, somehow, that I am less unduly grumpy about it than usual.

For example, I have been trying to cheer myself up by reminding myself that I went all winter without getting sick at all, and that bullshit is actually working this time.

Similarly, I started grousing about the timing, about getting sick just as I've suddenly got more work—all of it with tight deadlines—than I have had in months. And then I reminded myself that at least I didn't get sick when I had to travel, and I have plenty of time to get over this before my next trip. That cheered me up too.

What's happening to me? Have I become a pod person or something?
lawnrrd: (Default)
The law firm that employs me celebrated an important anniversary with a black-tie affair this evening. Walking to the party in my tuxedo, I felt dangerously sexy—nay, sek-SAY. Which put me to wondering:

[Poll #1098296]
lawnrrd: (Default)
Reverend Falwell, who died today, hurt America and many Americans while he lived. He will no longer do so, and that pleases me. But I will take no joy in his death, because schadenfreude is unworthy of me—indeed, of any of us.

Just as I have never been so starved for food that I would dig for it in a trashcan, I am not so starved for joy that I will take it from others' pain and loss.
lawnrrd: (Default)
If Peter Luger's had a religion, I think I'd be a black hat in it.
lawnrrd: (Default)
I just saw Friday Night Lights for the first time, and I am awestruck. The plot involves a high school football team in an economically depressed part of Texas, but the theme is masculinity. It's rare enough to see a portrayal of masculinity that isn't a total caricature. But this movie is the best portrayal I've ever seen of what it means to be a man—and to become a man— in modern America.1

1Admittedly, I don't get out much, especially lately.
lawnrrd: (Default)
My wife can have trouble staying asleep an hour after she takes an Ambien. I can have trouble staying awake an hour after I take a Ritalin. This may be the fundamental difference between us.
lawnrrd: (Default)
For about two months, I really haven't been keeping up on my LJ. I've noticed that I've been withdrawing into myself in other ways, too. I don't think that there's anything specific I'm withdrawing from, but I haven't felt motivated to fight it, either. I've felt a growing inner numbness, too.

My therapist says that this kind of feeling is often a prelude to some kind of attempt to regenerate, and that I should just skip ahead to that part. I told her that I didn't know what it was yet.

In any case, I am at least motivated to post to my LJ.
lawnrrd: (Default)
There are a whole bunch of things going through my mind about Katrina and its aftermath. Here are some of them in no particular order.
cut for length )


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May 2017

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